DEBRIS.COMgood for a laugh, or possibly an aneurysm

So I’m at a party where I know literally one person, my wife. I’m standing at the sink drawing a glass of tap water when from a dark recess of my attention I realize that the hostess’ teenage son is huddled near his mother, surreptitiously pointing at me and whispering. I glance in their direction casually, to see the two of them look away with a hint of alarm around the eyes, but as I return my gaze to the sink, I sense them again motioning and staring.

OK, this is time for a quick personal inventory, I think. Most-embarrassing-moment fantasies and worse-case scenarios need to be addressed first: I haven’t left home without my pants. I haven’t inadvertently advertised recent digestion in any way. But my pants are white, so there exists the possibility that I’ve sat in something messy, such as barbecue sauce. Hmm.

It is unlikely I’m trailing a loop of toilet paper all the way back to their bathroom, because I haven’t been there yet.

From where they’re standing they can’t see my fly, so that’s not the problem. Ditto with stuff hanging from my nose or teeth, or hunks of greasy roasted animal glued to my chin. All in all I think I’m OK, BBQ sauce notwithstanding — must check that out immediately.

So I turn to them, smile inquiringly, and as they realize they’ve been insufficiently subtle I wait with some tension to figure out what the hell they’ve been staring at. Whereupon the boy weighs his options and decides that the truth of what he was doing would be less damning than an empty denial. He points at the back of my head and says aloud to his mom, who apparently hadn’t understood all his motioning and whispering yet anyway, “I want to get my hair cut just like that.”

I had to laugh. Steeped in delusions of the grotesque, I had in fact been the subject of a sort of compliment.

So you can imagine how really dumb I felt when, a bit later, I farted out loud and spilled barbecue sauce all over my crotch.

Someone just clicked through to my site from a Google search for “women missing front teeth.” Heh.

John Batteiger of the SF Chronicle assembled a list of government and commercial websites giving information on how to save energy. The original article is here: Energy-saving tips can be found on many government websites

Because the Chronicle’s site has broken many of the URLs, I’ll list them here.

• California’s energy portal has tips, resources, and info on the 20/20 rebate program
• Lawrence Berkeley National Laboratory’s energy-savings calculator offers tips customized to your home size and location
• Another LBL energy-savings calculator
• Another portal for CA energy savings, offered by the Consumer Energy Center. Of special note:
  • A rebate database lists hundreds of rebate programs statewide
  • What to do if your power goes off
  • Summer energy-saving tips for home and office

• Industry-specific savings tips for groceries, restaurants, contractors, etc.

The original article lists even more sites.

Today’s Tech Tip: the top of the subwoofer is not a good place for the CD-ROM burner.

Thanks to Network Solutions providing my name and address to every spammer and con artist on the Internet for the past five years, I’ve received over a half-dozen copies of the “internet business guide” invoice scam from utp-online.com.

The mailing is from Switzerland, and it arrives in a glassine-window envelope (as might a real invoice). My name and address show through the window. Inside the envelope is something that looks a lot like an invoice. The billed amount is $960.

It’s an interesting scam. Presumably some companies are large or disorganized enough that these fake invoices are inadvertently paid. But if there is anyone with half a brain at UTP, they should realize that this scam is only likely to work with the first copy of the invoice. To say that another way: if I was smart enough to recognize this as a despicable hoax when I received the first copy, why on earth do you think I’d pay the sixth? Please.

Here’s more on the UTP-Online.com pro-forma invoice scam

Heh, I just wish UTP was sending out prepaid reply envelopes with their invoices.