DEBRIS.COMgood for a laugh, or possibly an aneurysm

Oh, I forgot, I have a journal.

Last Thursday, on an airplane, I was reviewing 5MB worth of reports from an overloaded database: lists of thousands of queries, mostly locked, entirely unhappy. Dramatic action was called for. So I took four days off for a family wedding, which provided more than enough drama, I assure you.

The last guy to board the plane carried an enormous Macy’s bag with two huge packages in it. True to form, he stopped in the aisle to re-arrange the contents of the overhead bins, nearly dropping packages on nearby passengers’ heads, crumpling overcoats, etc., to make room for his oversized parcels. I hate when people do that. Haven’t they heard of UPS?

Here’s the worst thing: this guy was me!

I had to ferry wedding gifts against my will. Shipping these two fragile sets of fancy dishware would have cost more than the dishes themselves. I dreaded boarding the plane, especially last, so I got to the airport fully two hours early and camped out by the gate. But my seat was at the front of the plane, so everyone else boarded first — and filled up all the overhead bins.

There was a time in my life that I would feign a limp in order to pre-board. This time, I decided that that sort of deception is beneath me. (I’ve matured a lot since earlier this year when I feigned a limp so I could pre-board.)

In the aisle, I asked the stewardess for assistance. I would have been happy to gate-check my packages. She was not sympathetic. In fact, she wouldn’t even meet my eye; she was too busy waiting for me to board to actually help me board. This appears to be a new trend for American Airlines’ staff. Sitting at the gate, I watched a line of people approach the agent smiling, and leave frowning. The agent didn’t help a single passenger. American Airlines has outsourced inflight food service to the Bistro Bags people, and they’ve outsourced customer satisfaction to Southwest Airlines.

I rearranged some overheads, nearly dropped a 200 lb set of dishes on one guy’s head, crumpled another guy’s coat, and finally shrank into my seat while muttering apologies to everyone within earshot. I didn’t move for four hours, after which my bladder was the size of Los Gatos. But I had plenty of time to relieve myself in St. Louis, where baggage regularly takes 60 minutes to appear on a carousel, even for the last guy off the airplane.

Quoting the Union of Concerned Scientists “earthwise” newsletter (vol 7, no. 1)…

Is the “Earth Friendly, Farm Friendly” seal a good indicator that the food I’m buying was sustainably produced?

No. Consumers wanting to support sustainable agriculture should avoid products bearing this seal, which was created by the Center for Global Food Issues. This offshoot of the Hudson Institute — a think tank funded by corporate agribusiness, chemical and pesticide manufacturers, the biotechnology industry, and others — opposes organic farming and efforts to reduce the use of medically important andibiotics in farm animals, while supporting the crowding of animals onto “factory” farms.

To learn more about food labels, check out the Consumers Union Guide to Environmental Labels.

The CFGI website claims,

Earth Friendly, Farm Friendly is intended to provide farmers with information and tools to produce more food per acre, leaving more room for nature, using techniques and practices which have been scientifically proven and endorsed by experts.

It sounds noble, assuming farmers were turning over their surplus land to make nature preserves. Somehow I don’t think that’s the goal though. Maybe I’m misunderstanding.

My in-laws were taking care of the baby the other day, and I caught myself thinking, Why are they speaking German to him? He won’t understand that!

This is such a great idea: high-capacity Powerbook batteries.

I had two stock Apple batteries. I was careless; I never maintained them. Now, both batteries together don’t last an hour. They’ve gone bipolar. That is, they need more lithium. (a little DSM-IV joke for you therapists in the audience)

My new 4800mAh battery is being exercised right now: spinning a CD through iTunes, on eternal repeat with full-screen visuals. The fan is kickin’. My old batteries couldn’t do this even if wired in series. So far, I’m impressed.

The players:

Me, the wife, the 14-day-old

The task:

Identify who said what.

The dialog:

[thump thump thump thump thump]

“Buuuuuuurrrrrrp!”

(encouragingly) “There you go! That was a good one!”

“Hey, how come you don’t say something nice when I do that?”