DEBRIS.COMgood for a laugh, or possibly an aneurysm

I’m a big fan of miracle food products. Sometimes they’re engineered, like Synergy, and sometimes they’re natural, like golden organic flax seeds. What makes them miraculous is the nutritional punch they pack: they fill a niche that is otherwise likely to go empty. They prolong life and promote good health. They fight crime and cure male pattern baldness. They have no points and no fees. They stick their dismounts.

Flax seeds, for example, are rich in Omega-3 fatty acids, important in preventing heart disease if you happen to be an Inuit tribesman. You can only get Omega-3s from flax seeds or cold-water fish such as whale, seal, and salmon. It’s easier to grill fish than flax seeds, but any more, fish (including salmon) comes with a side-order of mercury.

Synergy is is a powdered food supplement made of grass, fungus, and mold. There are a number of other sources for these important foods — for example, if you eat a piece of blubber left over from last week’s Omega-3-rich whale-fry, you’ll have the fungus and mold food groups covered. But you’d be missing out on those critical grass juices.

(I’m still waiting for the Synergy Co. to come out with a “cud bar.”)

Our latest miraculous food discovery is virgin coconut oil. It comes in a clear glass jar and looks like nothing so much as lard. Imagine scooping lard into a smoothie — wait, that’s probably an Atkins recipe.

The melting point for coconut fat is 76° F, so on warm days the jar of lard transforms into a translucent, lumpy, milky goo that resembles snot, e.g. if you’d just tossed back a lard smoothie. Mmmm, lung butter.

Coconut oil is high in saturated fats, a class of foods largely absent from my normal food intake. I’m supplementing them here in an attempt at a balanced diet.