DEBRIS.COMgood for a laugh, or possibly an aneurysm

Seen at kottke… a passenger truck that dwarfs the Earth-crushing Hummer H2.

“You can put the Hummer in back and take it with you,” quips Nick Matich, vice president at International Truck and Engine. “Or, you could just set fire to the nearest refinery; the emissions are comparable,” he didn’t add.

The most amazing statistic I can find about the vehicle is not its mileage rating, which does not appear in the specifications document but seems sure to be in the single-digits. It’s the vehicle’s weight: 14,500 lbs. This truck should come with a length of garden hose, so owners can rinse off the residue after accidentally flattening a Prius in traffic.

California truck buyers can have faith that their government is working for them; with a curb weight nearly 5x bigger than a typical station wagon, the CXT is exempt from CARB vehicle-emissions rules that would otherwise prevent its sale.

The Hummer and H2 showed us that a fancy leather interior can make a military personnel carrier marketable to American car buyers. The CXT, assuming it succeeds, shows us that a fancy leather interior can make a diesel tractor marketable to American car buyers. What’s next? What other utility vehicles are due for a respray, bucket seats, and cupholders?

Our suggestions follow.

With a capacity of 35 tons, the International 5600i dump truck meets or exceeds all your personal hauling needs; e.g., you could put two CXTs in back and “take them with you,” but not to the Earth First! meeting.

Don’t let the 5600i’s relatively small size fool you. It’s true that it weighs only a few hundred pounds more than the CXT, but look at the size of the bed — Costco, here you come!

This truck will tell all your neighbors you mean business. No, not that business.

The Caterpillar 845G large-duty wheel dozer can really cut through traffic, not to mention hillsides. Designed as a sporty one-seater, it has enough storage capacity for a tin lunchbox, you know, the kind with the thermos under the lid. On weekends, you can unleash the 854G on your favorite off-road trail, because then the pavers can come by and they’ll have a nice smooth base to work from.

With 800 horsepower and 3111 foot-lbs of torque on tap, the 845G can military-press your neighbor’s SUV (and his garage). Meanwhile, you’ll enjoy an unobstructed view while enthroned on the the air-suspension seat, wrapped in the comfort of the luxurious operator’s compartment which meets all SAE and ISO standards.

The Liebherr T282B is the largest truck in the world. It stands 24 feet tall, weighs 224 tons, and has a hauling capacity of 55 CXTs, or 44,000 cases of Pabst, with room left over for the entire International Truck marketing department’s sense of responsibility for the health of the planet (inside the driver’s vest pocket).

The T282B comes outfitted not just with in-dash DVD, but an in-dash 50'' plasma television to keep you entertained on those long hauls to the coal mine. The interior also sports a SubZero refrigerator, Viking gas range with griddle companion, foosball, pool table, California King-size waterbed, guest house, and private 9-hole golf course. Exterior finish options include three shades of Safety Yellow (pinstripes extra).