DEBRIS.COMgood for a laugh, or possibly an aneurysm

The baby’s passport arrived in the mail. Page 1 shows the worst photo ever taken of him. He’s a cute kid, but the local post office’s cruddy Polaroid equipment yielded a truly mediocre picture, which the passport agency apparently squashed, posterized, and color-shifted, resulting in a monochromatic, carnation-pink, vaguely alien lump.

The idea that an infant photo will be of any use in identifying a toddler is already laughable. But this is ridiculous — it already doesn’t look like him. And this passport is supposed to be good for five years.

Page 2 of the passport shows a signature form, which warns, “NOT VALID UNTIL SIGNED.” No explanation is provided for teaching a 4-month-old to write his name.

I was tempted to ignore it, but then I pictured some officious TSA or INS brain-donor at the airport refusing to allow us to either leave or re-enter the country. That, I don’t need. So I called the passport office.

“We just got a passport for our 4-month-old,” I said, “and I have a really dumb question for you — “

“I know exactly what you’re going to ask,” interjected the agent. “You want to know how he’s supposed to sign his name, right? I get that question all the time.”

She told me the secret procedure, which curiously doesn’t match the one given on the State Department’s website. So we may end up getting hassled at the border after all.