DEBRIS.COMgood for a laugh, or possibly an aneurysm

I enjoy filling out credit applications about as much as I enjoy tooth extraction (erm, that’s safe for work, unless you just ate breakfast), but I finally succumbed to the logic that we’d benefit from putting most of our expenses on an airline-miles card, considering that most of us fly to Germany every year.

As is now typical, the cards arrived with a “convenience check,” the idea being that balances outstanding on other accounts can easily be transferred to the shiny new credit card whose benefits are superior to whatever stinky old account is about to be replaced. The text reads:

• Write this check as you would a personal check.
• Make a large purchase you’ve been putting off.
• Complete home improvements and other projects.

It seems like a great deal for the consumer — consolidate debt in one place; escape the karmic weight of old debt, even if only temporarily; cancel old credit accounts that have come to represent guilt for poorly-considered purchases in months past, etc. (I’m just hypothesizing here, of course. Nothing to see, move along…)

But it’s a scam. There’s a tiny footnote symbol, about a millimeter tall, after the words “personal check.” The referenced note is on the back of the page; it’s 18 lines of rules and limitations, including this flashing neon red flag/klaxon: “Please see your Cardmember Agreement for any applicable transaction fees.” The Cardmember Agreement is three pages of mousetype filled with phrases like “fees may apply.” Not until the last page will you find the actual fee table which shows the transaction fee for these advance checks: 3% of the transaction amount, up to $75!

Yeah, I’m sure they love it when new cardholders spend a pile of money on one of these checks. I’m surprised they only sent one.

The other thing I’m bitter about is the Chase privacy policy. They provide a marketing opt-out via phone, but they say it will take four to six weeks to take effect. I’ve written enough database applications to know that it doesn’t take four to six weeks to update a binary value in a database table… even if you’re running Oracle (heh). So what that really means is, “We’re going to sell your name, address, and purchase history as many times as we can, per day, 24x7, for the next 40 days, and there’s not a damn thing you can do about it.”

You know, I don’t really like travelling all that much…