DEBRIS.COMgood for a laugh, or possibly an aneurysm

Years ago we moved into a house. An enormous tree shaded the patio, but nobody knew what sort of tree it was. Then one day, ducking under a low-hanging branch, I knocked my head on an avocado hiding in the thick foliage. “Who put this avocado in my tree?” I wondered briefly. Then I saw: it was attached!

With practice, I developed the skill of spotting avocadoes on the tree. They’re quite well hidden actually, especially when the spotter is legally blind. I also created a picking tool — a plastic cup lashed to a 10' pole, low-tech but effective — to assist in harvesting fruit that would otherwise be out of reach.

That first year, we felt rich beyond any measure… fresh avocados weekly for months! It was our first taste of country living.

But that was three years ago. With every Spring we searched for the new crop, sometimes finding tiny squirrel-chewed avocado buds but little else. We tried watering the tree. We tried fertilizing. We postponed trimming in fear of shocking an apparently fragile specimen.

And then we gave up. We stopped the fertilizer, ignored the watering schedule, and hacked the low limbs off the tree so we don’t have to duck down to walk past. And today we craned our necks and found about 100 avocadoes on the tree, glowing in the sun and screaming to be made into guacamole.

There’s something miraculous about having food appear in one’s yard like this.

Avocado fans will be entertained by the California Avocado Commission website — FAQs, trivia, recipes, and the accidental gardener’s friend, the Avocado Variety Chart.

Hiaasen’s latest is classic: familiar (and fondly remembered) characters, deeply satirical and wickedly funny situations.

Palmer Stoat is a political fixer, a grotesque (but oddly sympathetic) sort of guy who sets up the deal to develop Toad Island yet another bit of Floridian wilderness scheduled to be razed, paved, and golf-coursed. Twilly Spree is an anger-management-school dropout who decides to stop Stoat, and a cast of lunatic developers (including an ex-smuggler with a Barbie fetish and a hit man who wears a snakeskin corset).

Sick Puppy is a joy to read and a must-have for any Hiaasen fan, as well as anyone who has a Labrador Retriever.

Patronize these links, man:

• Amazon (paperback)
• Amazon (hardback)

A sequel that can stand alone, Catch Me is a thriller about an ex-FBI agent, Jay Fletcher, who went rogue (in the first book) and executed 4 serial killers. In this book, the heroine matches wits with the most dangerous character from the previous story, Billy Bones, who had been imprisoned.

Bones escapes and immediately begins taunting Fletcher… “Catch me before I kill again.”

The story is gripping, and as enjoyable as the first. If you like thrillers, you’ll like this (and you should also read Watch Me).

Patronize these links, man:

• Amazon (paperback)
• Amazon (hardback)

Yesterday, Cisco laid off 8000 workers.

In a move as predictable as, I don’t know, Clinton denying wrongdoing, Cisco’s PR machine has created a new term for layoff that is not only free of evil connotations, but also free of meaning: “normal involuntary attrition.”

We’ll give Cisco spokesman Tom Galvin the benefit of the doubt and assume he didn’t craft that senseless phrase in advance, but merely blurted it out in the panic of the bright lights and microphones during a regrettable announcement.

But for an entertaining and enlightened analysis, read Steve Rubenstein’s deconstruction of Cisco’s ridiculous new coinage.

(Casting doubt on my benefit, Cisco’s own press release contains a related contradiction in terms, “involuntary attrition.” Gad, why can’t they just say LAYOFF? Who are they trying to fool?)

The Net has always demonstrated a peculiar affinity for haiku. A quick search turned up Y2k haiku, Mr. Jenkins haiku, Survivor haiku, Clinton haiku, and my two personal favorites, Spam haiku and Unabomber haiku.

These formidable ranks have been joined, perhaps bested, by the latest entry: Piggypoop Haiku. Oink!