DEBRIS.COMgood for a laugh, or possibly an aneurysm

So I’m in the locker room. There are two men nearby, chatting. One of them is naked; the other is clothed. The naked man extends his hand, introducing himself to the other. “Hi,” he says, “I’m Richard. Call me Dick.”

Heh.

An article by Caroline E. Mayer in the Washington Post [original: Direct Marketers Adopt New Tactics on Mailings to Avoid Losing Business; sfgate.com mirror: Direct-mail businesses respond to anthrax fear] reveals that the Direct Marketing Association, which is responsible for most of the unwanted crap you receive via postal mail, has issued new guidelines to all its members — instructions for how to best continue sending out junk mail during the ongoing Anthrax scare.

The challenge, in a nutshell, is that average citizens are afraid to open unsolicited mail, given the potential downside (swollen lymph glands, necrosis, shock, vomiting, death). And yet the DMA member companies make way too much money from sending out junk mail; it’s in their best financial interests to disassociate their unsolicited mail from the type that might kill you. After all, if the powder that spills out of the latest Fingerhut catalog dissuades you from placing an order for a decorative lawn goose, then Fingerhut is out a few bucks. For the DMA, this won’t do at all.

The DMA advises members to “avoid using envelopes with no return address or clear identification marks,” on the theory that recipients are more likely to open an unsolicited envelope from a recognized merchant than an unsolicited, unlabelled envelope (which more likely than not would have otherwise been disguised as an “urgent mail-gram!”). I have to wonder why the DMA hadn’t advised merchants to identify themselves on junk mail prior to 9/11/01 — perhaps because this might normally prevent recipients from opening the mail? That is, in a sane world, well-balanced junkmail recipients might decide that this month’s JCPenny missive isn’t worth reading, but in an insane world, frightened and mistrustful junkmail recipients should be reassured that, compared to a potentially lethal infectious bacteria, the JCPenny catalog isn’t too bad after all.

The DMA advisory goes on to suggest “that businesses alert consumers to upcoming solicitation by first notifying them through e-mail or telemarketing calls.” So, DMA member companies are going to send me email I don’t want, to warn me that they’re going to send me paper mail that I don’t want? Or worse, they’ll interrupt my dinner with a phone call to tell me that the crap arriving in the mail tomorrow doesn’t have anthrax in it?

Perhaps now is a good time to remember that it’s possible to prevent telemarketing calls.

Carl Hiaasen is one of my favorite authors of escapist fiction. His books feature a recurring character who frequently dines on roadkill — animals found dead on the highway.

I’m a vegetarian, more or less, so I’m less likely to ever eat roadkill than, say, you are. Still, I’ve been eating a lot of avocadoes that have fallen out of my tree, and I wonder if that qualifies.

I listened to Anthony Robbins’ audio webcast today. He wanted to address ways of coping with fear, in the aftermath of what he called the “nine one one” attacks. (It took me a few seconds to connect what I heard as “911,” a telephone number, with “9/11,” an infamous date. Does that make me a visual learner or auditory learner, if the same sound could be represented by two separate visual symbols, and I confuse them?)

Robbins was thoughtful, intelligent, and provocative, as usual. He’s also an entertaining storyteller, as evidenced by today’s presentation.

I think what I appreciate most is that he is always goal-oriented… You cannot follow his advice and fail to take action. You can, of course, read his advice and think to yourself, “I should do that.” Robbins calls that “shoulding all over yourself.” (That’s an auditory joke, for all you visual learners. Say it out loud; you’ll get it.)

He plugged a new movie, in which he has a cameo: Shallow Hal, starring Jack Black and Gwyneth Paltrow. Robbins invited listeners to see the movie in order to change their state (from fear to happiness, I guess). He said, “you’ll laugh your tail off.”

I’ve seen the previews, and I think that may be all I see of that movie. (If you want a laugh, go see Bandits instead.)

The Miami Herald reports that a team-building exercise went awry at a gathering of Burger King marketing staff: of the 100+ people who walked over hot coals, a dozen needed medical attention, and one spent the night in the hospital.

Event organizer “Cork” Kallen, keenly aware of his liability, offered this ridiculous opinion: “When you see over 100 people and only 10 to 15 people have blisters, I don’t term that unusual.” I find it not at all curious that Mr. Kallen’s promotional website doesn’t mention that he expects a 10% injury rate.

According to his motivational-speaker resume, Mr. Kallen used to be a personal injury attorney, meaning he made his living suing the sort of people who run events where participants get horribly injured. Anyone who doesn’t find that deliciously ironic, please line up here behind the red-hot coals.

Here are the original stories: Burger King firewalking a burning issue (Miami Herald — local mirror); Workers Bond, Then Are Treated (New York Times — local mirror)

(By the way, what the heck happened to the too-clever headline writers when this story came up? Dumb puns are the lifeblood of copyeditors — they even give awards for stupid headlines. Am I supposed to believe that after reading about Burger King employees at a firewalk, no one in Miami or New York was able to come up with a good grilling joke?)

[Thanks to Bim for forwarding this story!]