DEBRIS.COMgood for a laugh, or possibly an aneurysm

A weekend trip to Trader Joe’s turned up an unexpected contender for our Corinthian Leather Award, which we bestow upon laughable marketing text.

Robert’s American Gourmet creates “natural, gourmet, herbal snacks,” including one called Veggie Booty. This is an organic, vegetarian snack food made of puffed rice and corn, stained green with spinach, broccoli, tea, and parsley. The flavor is… not compelling. The texture is like nothing so much as styrofoam packing peanuts.

On the back of the bag, and on Rob’s website, appears this claim: “This is a life changing snack.”

Ha!

Here’s my idea of a life-changing snack: Escherichia coli O157:H7. Botulism. Hemlock. Galerina autumnalis.

Eat any of those, and your life will change dramatically. But you can eat an full bag of Veggie Booty, and although the entire length of your alimentary canal will turn green, your life will not have changed at all.

Click for previous Corinthian Leather awards.

Legendary ex-Police drummer Stewart Copeland has a fascinating new project: Oysterhead, with Les Claypool (bassist from Primus) and Trey Anastasio (guitarist from Phish). They have a new album, The Grand Pecking Order. Their website has recent video footage. The Modern Drummer website has interesting interviews with Claypool and Anastasio about what it’s like to play with Copeland, as a teaser for the current paper magazine which features “The Return of Stewart Copeland.”

(Here’s an archive of three great, interesting interviews with Copeland, dating from 1980, 1990, and 1997.)

Music samples from Grand Pecking Order: Amazon, oysterhead.com.

So I’ve listened to all the samples, and I’ve ordered the CD (I mean, come on, it’s Stewart Copeland!), and I find myself wishing Claypool hadn’t done any of the singing.

I had to stop listening to Primus because the of the goofy lyrics and goofier vocals. They’re irritating. I chucked my Primus CDs and was much relieved when Tim Alexander’s Attention Deficit albums came out, as they afford an opportunity for me to enjoy his drumming without having to endure Les’ adolescent babbling.

I guess what I really wanted from Oysterhead was more music, and “Les” Claypool. (I am proud to say I stole that joke from WKRP in Cincinnati.)

Interesting question — if everyone with a laser pointer shined it at the moon at the same time, would we see the red glow from Earth? http://www.paintthemoon.org/

The first attempt is in a few weeks, 2001-10-27. If you’re afraid you’ll forget, send yourself a reminder via email. (The Site Foundry’s email reminder service will not spam you.) Here’s a reminder for the second attempt.

Yes, I’ve seen all the explanations for why this won’t, couldn’t possibly work. I still think this is a great idea.

Today I was amused to read that Toppik, a cosmetic solution for thinning hair, is packaged in “an elegant, discrete molded container specially designed to dispense the fibers through 167 digitally optimized openings.” That is, a plastic shaker bottle.

This wins my first-ever Corinthian Leather Award, which I will assign periodically as new instances of ridiculous, obfuscating marketing language come to my attention. Submit yours today! You might win this genuine faux-woodgrain pressboard plaque!

(“Corinthian Leather” is a phrase invented by Chrysler’s marketing department in the late 1970s, when Ricardo Montalban was hawking their autos via a famous series of television commercials. There is no such thing as “Corinthian” leather. They made it up. And yet everyone believed it, to the point where today some companies still sell “Corinthian Leather” foil handles and bible cases. Whether these vendors are deceived, or simply attempting to cash in on Chrysler’s 25-year-old deceit, is an interesting question, suitable for discussion when you’re next trapped in an elevator, or trying to pass the time during your prostate or cervical exam.)

According to gomez.com, TWA’s website ranks #1 in ease of use as compared to other airlines’ sites.

This is clearly a crock of shit. (That’s a marketing term.)

Here’s a chronicle of my attempt to purchase flight tickets via twa.com:

1. search for flights with Mozilla 0.9.4. The results page does not render.
   
2. search for flights with IE5. The results page works fine. I select flights, and at the end am told I have to sign up for an account to make the purchase. I click the “sign up” link. My browser crashes.
   
3. repeat step 2 with Navigator 4. Browser crashes.
   
4. I restart my workstation.
   
5. repeat step 2 with IE5. Successfully pick flights, create account, fill out long form of frequent flyer numbers, credit card information, billing address, etc. Submit form.
   
6. website rejects my billing address. I go back, verify the address. It’s correct. I re-submit.
   
7. repeat step 6.
   
8. I enter a variation on my billing address. It’s rejected.
   
9. I dig a credit card statement out of the file. I re-type the address, byte for byte, and submit. The address is rejected.
   
10. I try another credit card, entering address data perfectly. The address is rejected.

At this point, I’ve wasted a half hour and am intensely wishing some other airline flew the route I’ve selected. I’m forced to call TWA’s 800 number, where a telephone operator takes 15 more minutes to collect the same data I’ve already typed in several times. But at the end of the process, she can do what TWA.com’s #1 ranked website cannot: she can sell me flight tickets.