DEBRIS.COMgood for a laugh, or possibly an aneurysm

So we decide to spend a romantic night in Sonoma, “next weekend.” Ha! laughed the gods of expensive inns, 2-night-minimums, and calendars booked months in advance. Even some humans laughed at me, like the “concierge” at the Sonoma Valley Visitors’ Bureau, who in response to my request answered Good luck in a tone so sarcastic her own kids would have slapped her.

But I was undeterred. I made many phone calls. I dealt well with rejection.

I cajoled and pleaded and, I’m not ashamed to admit, begged for special treatment. “It’s my anniversary,” I said meekly in hopes of winning the pity of some meekness-hardened innkeeper. They were polite, but firm: “We’re booked.” Or, occasionally, “We have rooms available, but only if you’re staying two nights.”

That’s what really upset me: enforcing a 2-night minimum, one week before the check-in date. You’d think they can’t make money on a $200 room if the guest only stays one night.

One very fancy bed-and-breakfast with a single open suite was willing to relax the 2-night restriction for us. My heart split with joy! Until I saw that the suite costs $500 per night. For that price, I’d be taking all the furniture home with me, in addition to the little bottles of shampoo from the bathroom.

I’ve been doing some recruiting lately. The process looks like this: I write up a job description, post it to a website or mailing list where qualified candidates are likely to see it, and then wait for emails to come in.

The job description lists specific requirements for the position, and instructions for candidates to follow. Some of the skills requirements are identified as non-negotiable, because although it’s a nice theory to “hire for attitude and train for skills,” small companies often don’t have time to train for skills, especially when the option of hiring for them exists.

In the place where I list my contact info, I request that candidates send a plain-text (ASCII) resume. I do this for three reasons:

1. my email program manages attachments poorly, so I hate receiving attachments
2. most people send Microsoft Word files, which are a common vector for viral infection
3. Approximately 25% of candidates eliminate themselves from consideration by failing to follow simple instructions, saving me valuable minutes of work

This is background info for the remarkable tale of The Applicant Who Was Smarter Than Me…

The other night I received a 17k email in response to my job posting. Attached to the 17k email was a 34k Word file. This is generally a bad sign, but I’m a sucker for personal narrative, so I began to read.

Contained in the 17k email were seven arguments, crushed together like vertebrae after a surfing injury, which dissected my job posting and argued just about every line as being unfair or poorly-considered in some way. Had this been a job posting for a position on a debate team, I’d have responded with an offer letter, forgoing the interview process entirely. Alas, this was not the case.

The candidate argued that his Word-file attachment was justified because Word is “the best tool for the job.” He then instructed me to download StarOffice, which although free and useful, doesn’t run on my Mac. Also it’s an 80mb download.

Next he admitted that he hadn’t worked on enough PHP/MySQL websites to qualify because he hadn’t “hopped across 16 different jobs in 3 years,” as if that is the only way to gain meaningful experience.

Next, the candidate ranted on for 50 lines about why our database software is inadequate. He assumed we’d been blinded by the hype, and that we’d done no testing to determine if this software would perform as we needed. He ignored the fact that we’d been in business for three years on this same database platform. He committed the sin he accused us of committing, in fact: without any basis for judgement, based strictly on hearsay, he concluded that our chosen database platform was inadequate for our needs.

Interesting case, these critical/analytical types who don’t appear to own a mirror.

You don’t read a Palahniuk novel so much as hang on to it and enjoy the ride. Survivor is not as brilliantly subversive as Fight Club, but it is every bit as enjoyable.

The story is told in the first person, dictated by the main character into the “black box” (cockpit recording device) of a passenger aircraft he’s hijacked for his suicide ride.

There are some amazingly inventive passages here, to complement the dark satire and biting sarcasm. If you’re a fan of smart writing, tongue-in-cheek intellectual skateboarding, such as the books of Vonnegut, Coupland, Brauner, Tarloff, or if you liked Fight Club, you’ll like this book.

Patronize these links, man:

• Amazon (hardback)
• Amazon (paperback)

Full title: The Egoscue Method of Health Through Motion

This is a fix-it manual for the body. Based on common sense theories of alignment and skeletal support, the “Egoscue method” holds that the human body can and should be pain-free, strong, and flexible throughout a person’s life. And, better, it shows how to get to that point.

The text is clear and easily read. The diagrams are revealing. Whether you’re suffering from chronic pain, or trying to ward off repetitive motion injuries (tendonitis, carpal tunnel syndrome), or simply trying to feel better, stand straighter, think more clearly, this book will help you get there.

Egoscue presents his theory, then follows with an innovative self-diagnostic procedure — which is probably the weakest part of the book, because mild cases of misalignment are very difficult to discern — and then shows a recipe of exercises for each of his three major “conditions” of misalignment.

Reading this book, for me, was an exercise in itself: I kept slapping myself in the forehead. Egoscue seems to be giving secrets that are so obvious it’s nearly painful to have them explained so succinctly, and illustrated so clearly.

I recommend this book for everyone, but especially for people with chronic body complaints.

Patronize these links, man:

• Amazon (paperback)

This book was written for kids. The back is marked “10 & up” — so you probably qualify, in a strict sense. (If you must know, I received this as a gift. I have yet to determine whether the giver thereby intended to make a statement about my intellectual or emotional maturity.)

That said, I’m surprised to admit that this is one of the most enjoyable books I’ve read this year. It’s a better page-turner than most of the thrillers and action/dramas I read… the characters as more purely drawn, with clearer intentions and motivations… and all the weird plot twists hook up in the end to make a very satisfying conclusion.

I heartily recommend this book to everyone who enjoys a good story. If you have young kids, this is a great book to share.

Holes is being made into a movie for release in 2003, starring Sigourney Weaver, Jon Voight, Henry Winkler, etc.

Patronize these links, man:

• Amazon (paperback)
• Amazon (hardback)