DEBRIS.COMgood for a laugh, or possibly an aneurysm

California’s Office of the Attorney General offers tips for reducing unwanted marketing communications, especially telemarketing calls.

Most are the same as every other list of such tips, e.g. “submit your name to the DMA’s no-call list,” but one tip caught my eye because it contained new information: “Remove your name from commercial street address directories”.

I made contact with one of the listed companies, Haines, which produces a series of CD-ROM directories called Criss+Cross. This directory tells marketers your name, address, telephone number, years at address, and wealth rating, which, whatever it is, isn’t data anyone should know about me as far as I’m concerned.

The directories are printed annually. (The Northern California version is printed in the Spring.) You can have your name added to Haines’ permanent killfile by calling 1-800-843-8452 ext. 312.

When you call, please be nice! I’d hate for them to disconnect this toll-free opt-out method due to abuse.

The recent storms have done some damage. We took inventory today:

• massive, tire-eating ruts in the driveway
• one downed oak tree
• one downed birch tree, plus fence damage
• broken branches in precarious positions
• and, dare I say it, general debris.

We lost power again, too, late on the 30th. I woke on the 31st with disturbing visions of hosting our New Year’s Eve dinner party by candlelight, without benefit of ovens or the five hours of MP3s I’d arranged to accompany the phases of the evening. But as I was laying in bed that morning, mourning the blank unpowered face of my LCD alarm clock, I heard a remote beep, and then a surge in white noise as the furnace kicked on… and with relief I abandoned plans of serving cold soup, warm salad, and extra layers of clothing.

Ironically, today I went shopping for a chainsaw.

mountains + winter = snow
snow + roads = travel delays
travel delays + vacation = -1*(fun)

We were headed to Utah for a week’s vacation in the mountains. My wife suggested renting a 4WD, in case we would face snowy mountain roads. It seemed like a good idea. So for a week I became an SUV maniac, sitting six feet in the air and burning up a gallon of gas every 10 miles and telling myself it really is possible to “be environmentally correct and drive a [planet-wrecking, fume-spewing, road-hogging, visibility-blocking pig of a recreational vehicle]”. I think the Dodge Durango we rented burns slightly less fuel than the Hummer 2, but you get the idea.

I’ll admit the truck was comfortable, with electronic seat and mirror controls. A knob on the dash allowed 4WD to be engaged on the fly. The stereo played CDs as well as tapes, and sounded great.

Considering its size, the truck felt easy to drive. It performed admirably on the highway. I think we began to feel a bit invincible, as if this tank of an automobile could scale any incline, shave the apex of any turn, and still fit into a parking space (well, the RV spots anyway).

Then we ran into a snowy section of road within Zion National Park, and learned that there is no magic feature of our 4600 lb monster-vehicle to keep from sliding sideways on a patch of ice, even on a straight road. The front wheels drifted to the left, and then with a shudder the rear wheels broke free and we were riding a heavy, unresponsive toboggan on a tangent to the approaching curve.

Highway 9 doesn’t have guardrails. There was a rock wall to the right — smashing into that would have been inconvenient and expensive, but not fatal. Unfortunately that’s not what we were sliding toward.

On the far side of the low snowbank on the left shoulder, the ground dropped away several dozen feet. Had we slid over the edge, I’d be writing this story from the afterlife, assuming that there, unlike Utah, I could get an Internet connection.

Within a foot or two of the edge, the tires caught enough pavement to spin us back the other way. We spun 180° clockwise, slid back to the right side of the road, then the tires caught again and we spun counterclockwise again. By this time we’d slowed down enough to regain traction; we pulled off the road for ten seconds to breathe, thank our guardian angels, and in my case correct the momentary lapse of sanity that had caused me to not fasten my seatbelt. Then we drove to the Hidden Canyon trailhead and hiked a few miles up the face of the mountain and took this cool vertical-panorama picture, which shows our truck/coffin in dramatic perspective at the bottom.

I really enjoy holiday music. Not most of it, of course; just because I’m filled with the good will of the season doesn’t mean I can tolerate choirs of sappy voices going on about Rudolph and Frosty and the rest of the Hallmark-mythology gang. Most of the holiday music I like is instrumental.*

Not all of these are strictly “Christmas music,” although all feel appropriate for the season:

December, George Winston
George Winston’s solo piano music is hauntingly beautiful, and December is surprisingly evocative of the season. This album gets my highest recommendation.

Autumn, George Winston
I bought this recently after realizing how much I enjoyed December. Within a few listens, this album became as familiar and evocative. (And I’ve never even been to Montana.)

Christmas (1984), Mannheim Steamroller
Amazon describes the Steamroller sound well: “a blend of Renaissance-flavored moods and instrumentation … intertwined with polite pop instrumental music”. Although at times a bit dated in sound, this album remains a holiday classic. The renditions of God Rest Ye Merry, Gentlemen and Stille Nacht give me chills, even after 15 seasons.

A Fresh Aire Christmas (1988), Mannheim Steamroller
More great arrangements, unusual instrumentation, and compelling compositions from Chip Davis and Mannheim Steamroller.

The New Age of Christmas, Danny Gottlieb and Pete Levin
Don’t let the name fool you — this is not “newage” (rhymes with “sewage”). Gottlieb is jazz drummer, and Levin is a keyboardist and composer. Together they’ve arranged ten classic Christmas songs for keyboards and drums. Some of the synth patches sound dated, but the arrangements are fun and (as with Mannheim Steamroller) sometimes unexpected. The original album is out of print (click the album cover to check half.com’s inventory); you could instead opt for the duo’s second release, recently remastered: Masters in this Hall.

4nyc, Jordan Rudess
Rudess is a Julliard-trained pianist who performed a benefit concert after the 9/11 attacks. He recorded the show, and produced a CD that mixes live improvisations with studio recordings. The music is mostly acoustic, mostly improvised, and entirely inspiring.

*Now you might ask me if I have something against vocal music. I don’t, in general, although I’ll admit that much of the time I wish the guy standing in front of the drummer would just shut his yap, step to one side, and let the band get on with it. Still, I wish all you singers out there a very happy holiday season!