DEBRIS.COMgood for a laugh, or possibly an aneurysm

My plan for not being in the middle of frantic cooking when dinner guests arrive requires that I be more than typically organized. This dinner will be different from most because we will make five recipes we’ve never tried before.

To get organized, I read through all five pizza recipes and made checklists for each. The first checklist is the order of assembly: what ingredients, in what order, go onto the crust. This will prevent me from forgetting any toppings (this happens much more frequently than you might imagine) and will save me the trouble of keeping five cookbooks open on the counter.

The second checklist is the set of tasks required to prepare all ingredients for that pizza — everything from “pick sage from garden” to “shred and blend cheeses” to “sautee mushrooms.” These items are all assigned times, so that I can add up the times, subtract the total from 7:00 PM, and know when I have to begin the prep.

All five sheets are hanging on the door of the refrigerator.

The other task for today is to make pizza dough. I’ve made two batches, which differ only slightly.

The first batch is my standby. It’s simple, and the results are beautiful. It is an invention of Peter Reinhart, documented in The Bread Baker’s Apprentice. If you ever make pizza, this recipe alone is worth the price of the book.

The second batch is a variation on the first. I omitted the olive oil from the dough, and I didn’t fully knead it. I am testing a suggestion noted in this column previously, that crunch and gluten are at cross-purposes. The theory says that doughs with fully-developed gluten become bready, and therefore go limp under the weight of toppings. To achieve a crunchy crust (says this theory), the dough should be only briefly kneaded.

Both doughs went into the cooler to retard overnight, immediately after mixing.

Did all the prep pay off? Find out.

I’ve written about Biomorph desks before. I bought one a few years ago, and I think it’s the best desk in the world.

It’s a split-level desk: the front can be lowered to keyboard height, and the rear can be raised to monitor height. It’s big enough for two monitors, speakers, and a laptop too.

I’ve been told of a sale on 30 of these desks, purchased at auction from (you knew this was coming) a failed dot-com. The desk surface is “Maple Appleply”, which in my opinion is the nicest of the available finishes. See the finishes and other specs at the Biomorph Personal Interactive Desk website.

The original retail on these things is about $1700. The used desks, which just like you have survived at least one dot-com implosion, cost $695. Yes, that’s still a lot of money, but as I said this is the best desk in the world. If you don’t want to buy one of these, don’t worry too much… your medical insurance will probably cover your carpal tunnel surgery.

If you’re interested, email me and I’ll put you in touch with the seller.

These desks will be gone by the end of the month.

The first step in preparing for a dinner party is to arrange the necessary documentation: gather all the printed information needed to prepare for the event. Given our intended menu (pizza) and the particular group of friends we’ve invited, the following source texts are appropriate:

• Vegetarian Cooking for Everyone (recipe: “Another Mushroom Pizza”)
• Artisan Baking (recipe: “Sullivan Street Potato Pizza”)
• Bon Appetit, September 1997 (recipe: “Manchu Spiced Garlic Chicken Pizzettas”)
• SF Chron food section, January 6, 1999 (pizza tips)
• DSM-IV, the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders

That last volume isn’t a cookbook, but I’m hoping the section on delusional behavior will explain why I think I’m going to be able to make five kinds of pizza, none of which I’ve ever tried before, using two dough recipes and a sauce recipe I’ve never tried, for six, without getting up from the table 300 times during the course of the meal.

I always tell myself that if I have all the pies topped before guests arrive, then I’ll actually be able to eat dinner with the group, but it somehow never works out that way. I’m invariably up to my elbows in flour when the doorbell rings.

But this time will be different, for I have a Plan…

[My delusions continue in part II.]

Digital photographers: check out Petteri Sulonen’s technique for great black-and-white images.

The downside to lying all the time is that chronic liars eventually get caught. Public and prolific liars could even get caught on national TV. That’s what happened to Donald Rumsfeld on Face the Nation.

In late 2002, Rumsfeld said:

No terror state poses a greater or more immediate threat to the security of our people and the stability of the world than the regime of Saddam Hussein in Iraq.

Last week, Rumsfeld denied ever using the phrase “immediate threat:”

You and a few other critics are the only people I’ve heard use the phrase “immediate threat.” I didn’t. The president didn’t. And it’s become kind of folklore that that’s what’s happened.”

Folklore? Please. See the video. Judge for yourself: Rumsfeld caught lying on Face the Nation. Watch him backpedal as the video fades out, stuttering about “the best intelligence…” What a maroon.

Here’s a page full of Bush, Rumsfeld, and the whole band of neo-con lunatics spouting off about imminent and immediate terrorist threats.