DEBRIS.COMgood for a laugh, or possibly an aneurysm

Killing time before a flight, I stepped into the restroom to brush my teeth and wash my hands — my ritual of pre-travel disinfection, an attempt to arrive with no more bacteria than the ones I’d brought from home. It became immediately apparent that if my mission was to avoid bacteria, entering a public restroom was perhaps an unwise course of action, for the stench of the place was overwhelming. I was unpleasantly reminded of an under-ventilated outhouse at a park in Canada, in which the constant exposure of the sun on the building’s corrugated roof raised the inside temperature to a point where the festering slop below the seat had fermented up a magnificent stink, enough that even the flies couldn’t stay long, and I attempted to relieve myself while holding my breath, which is again an unwise course of action if the capacity of one’s bladder is larger than that of one’s lungs, as I realized must be the case when I lost out to the burning in my chest and gasped several deep, heaving breaths, ensuring that the airborne fecal matter had ample opportunity to lodge itself in the deepest reaches of my bronchial tubes, far beyond where normal shallow breathing might have carried it.

So anyway, I walked into a more-than-typically crowded men’s room at the airport, and was immediately assaulted by the raw stench of the place. I hastily cleaned up, curiously eyeing the line of guys behind me. As I was drying my hands, I noticed that all the urinals were available, but all the stalls occupied, and five guys in line, waiting, listening, and no doubt holding their breath… when from one of the stalls came a second assault on our senses, the sound of, ahh, a successful if violent elimination, an auditory display of digestive prowess that washed over the line of would-be stall patrons in a palpable wave. I saw in the mirror that two of these guys were actually rocked back on their heels briefly. One of them blinked, seemed to consider his situation for a moment, turned on his heel and left the room. And then another! Really, nobody had to use the toilet that badly.

As I left the room I led a parade out the door, as everyone who’d been in line had decided to seek a less-densely-soiled bathroom further down the concourse.