DEBRIS.COMgood for a laugh, or possibly an aneurysm

This is the Good Samaritan Hospital’s idea of a vegetarian breakfast: greasy sausage, scrambled eggs, and a pot of oatmeal with a skin so thick it must have also come, somehow, from an animal. Also, the food tray offered the hospital’s ubiquitous serving of Jello substitute, a generic geletin whose label actually reads, “gel-type dessert.”

Generally the nurses don’t ask what flavor gelatin the patient wants — they ask what color. That should give you an idea of the product’s nutritive value.

It may be that our order for non-beast meals was misplaced. We put in another request and were gratified to find that subsequent meals were more in line with our expectations — although still not anything to be enthusiastic about. One of my co-workers pointed out that the insurance companies are probably behind this poor-food initiative, on the theory that if patients hate the meals they might stay fewer nights.

One entree triggered a pleasant wave of nostalgia. Until about a year ago, one of my all-time favorite dishes was a peculiar American concoction called “grilled cheese.” Because this might mean different things to different people, I’ll explain the recipe in detail: put two slices of American cheese between two slices of white bread, pan-fry in butter, and serve hot with tomato soup. In a pinch, ketchup can be substituted for soup. But by no means can one use wheat bread or put ham or Swiss cheese into the sandwich. Occasional uses of alternative (non-Swiss) cheeses are tolerated, so long as they melt, and they don’t come from goats.

These days I avoid white bread, cheese, and anything fried in butter, but the sight of this sandwich presented a temptation I was unable to resist. Steam-soggy and cooling, it had no business tasting as good as it did. I’d have traded my salmon plate ($5.10 from the hospital cafeteria) for a few ounces of ketchup. But, I’m now happy to say, I ate only a bite of the sandwich; I was afraid I’d be next in line for abdominal surgery if I’d eaten any more.

In fact that’s probably the real reason hospital food is so bad… they’re just ensuring a steady supply of future customers.