DEBRIS.COMgood for a laugh, or possibly an aneurysm

A septic tank is a multi-hundred-gallon container that temporarily stores all the liquid waste produced by the property’s inhabitants. By “liquid waste” I mean “everything that goes down the drain”, and that does include toilets, so yes, there is solid waste in there too.

In fact it’s the solid waste that causes the problem. The liquids run out into the leach field and dissipate into the ground, but the solids collect in the tank. Some portion of this muck gets digested by the bacteria and microflora naturally present in such an environment, but the rest sits there stinking until it’s removed. Experts recommend that tanks be pumped out every five years or so, depending how heavily they’ve been used.

Our system has not been heavily used. Just two of us live here, and we’ve been more or less vegan for the past year, which I’ve heard makes a difference. But when the inspector popped the top on the tank, he confirmed that it was due to be pumped. This was his official diagnosis: “It looks pretty cakey in there.”

Then I remembered all the little lumps and dregs of sourdough starter and dough that I’ve washed down the kitchen sink over the past five years. A sourdough culture might not flourish anaerobically, without fresh starch to feed on, but then again, who am I to say what might evolve in that awesome biomass buried in my yard? They say there are alligators in the NYC sewers after all.

So I had to laugh when the inspector said that the contents of our septic tank looked “cakey.” Actually I thought “bready” would be a more accurate term, but I didn’t want to argue. I didn’t even want to breathe, at least not until he screwed the lid back down.