DEBRIS.COMgood for a laugh, or possibly an aneurysm

So you’ve moved to a new house, and a month later the junk-mail deluge begins. Ever wonder whose fault that is? Here’s the answer:

“HomeData is a nationwide compiler of data on new resident homeowners.”

I got a catalog today from a holiday-desperate seller of uninteresting gifts — all the same wine-themed junk sold at every winery in California — and while I’m on the topic of misguided inventory, let me say that “Wine & All That Jazz” does not sell any merchandise that bears any relation to jazz.

Anyway, back to the leeches at Homedata Corp. They compile dossiers on new homeowners and sell them as frequently as possible, with no care for the homeowners’ privacy or interests. Why? According to Homedata’s team of inept analysts,

• New homeowners are in a spending mood. Buying a new home is a positive event. Whenever a family undergoes a positive change of lifestyle event, they need to spend. (That’s right; I feel so good being eyeball-deep in debt that I just can’t wait for the next catalog to come. Excuse me while I go sit by the mailbox.)
• New homeowners are credit-worthy by definition. These families have been through an exhaustive credit process to qualify for a home loan. They are proud of their credit status and want to maintain a good credit rating. (And the way I would maintain my good credit rating is by spending a pile of cash on unsolicited catalog offers?)
• New homeowners have money. Many have retained equity from a previous home purchase (sic) and are very liquid. (Demonstrably false, at least in California, where new homeowners regularly need 2 mortgages and a family loan to get into any property that doesn’t sport a “Police — Do Not Cross” ribbon across the front porch.)

I’ve saved the most despicable for last:

• New homeowners have no mailbox clutter. With a new address, their names will not appear on other mailing lists for quite some time. You have the opportunity to reach these new customers first.

The last point proves that Homedata realizes what a nuisance they are. Homedata’s clients cause “mailbox clutter.” A reasonable person might think that a good solution to that problem is to not send unsolicited catalogs. But no, the marketing experts at Homedata recommend sending catalogs sooner than everybody else. Does that solution scale? No. Homedata’s customers are a pretty gullible lot to think that Homedata reserves this privilege just for them. I mean, how many catalogs — how many Homedata clients — does it take to cause mailbox clutter? Two, maybe three. So, all you Homedata customers, do you really think you’re one of the lucky few to send the first catalogs? Don’t bet on it.

The Homedata Corp’s contact page lists full contact information, should you wish to express your opinion of their business plan. By publishing their telephone number and mailing address, they appear to be inviting your comments, or indeed any business opportunities, special offers, promotions, or catalogs you may offer.

After all, they’re making money by selling your name.