DEBRIS.COMgood for a laugh, or possibly an aneurysm

I had occasion to have my pulse measured yesterday. The nurse had just taken my blood pressure, which I’m told actually raises one’s pulse temporarily, due to fears that one’s arm is about to be pinched off just above the elbow. Also, insofar as I was sitting in a doctor’s office, surrounded by gleaming instruments of stainless-steel discomfort and the aroma of disinfectant barely masking the odors of horrific procedures taking place on the still-warm examination table every half-hour, I felt sure my pulse would be abnormally high. Not that I was worried, no. Really, I don’t mind going to see the doctor.

While she took hold of my wrist, I tried something I’ve never done — biofeedback. I started thinking “low pulse, heart slowing down, relaxing, no need to panic, I’m sure they’d never use that speculum on me” although my heart seemed to be pounding away like it always does, in complete ignorance of my conscious directions.

The nurse counted up the beats while the seconds ticked by. And then she said, “wow.” I took a deep breath. Maybe she’d finally diagnose the family mitral-valve prolapse or put in an emergency page to the staff cardiologist. (I wonder if it’s entirely healthy to always expect the worst. At least, this way, I’m rarely disappointed.)

But she said, “you have a very low pulse. Has anyone ever told you that before?” I admitted that I’d heard that before; I had a vague recollection that my resting heartrate was in the low 60s, which is at the low end of the normal range (60-100). I asked, “What number did you get?”

She said, “52.” That’s a solid 8 bpm lower than I’ve ever known it to be. Until this morning when, convinced that she’d miscounted, I measured it myself… and came up with 48.

I researched this today. The condition is called bradycardia. Its possible causes are an unpleasant lot, including:

• serious head injury
• shock
• heroin overdose

Here’s the icing on this dysfunctional cake: “If this is left untreated, it can result in death.”

It could be true that I’m healthy and just happen to have a low heartrate. I suppose it’s unlikely I’d be getting through my days if I was in shock, or had a serious head injury. I believe I’ve never used heroin, but isn’t denial one of the first symptoms of abuse? Perhaps someone’s been slipping some junk into my rice milk.

On the other hand, life (whether treated or not) can also result in death. I’m hoping for an exception, but there’s definitely a strong probability I’ll end up pickled and boxed and stuck in the ground, just like the rest of you. Perhaps sooner than later, if my pulse keeps dropping.