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Our water heater expired last Saturday. The thermocouple had failed.

We had a plumber replace the thermocouple. He pointed out numerous symptoms of a failing water heater, and began selling me a replacement, which he’d be able to install the next day.

“What about a tankless water heater?” I asked. They don’t store water, so there is no tank, so there is no risk of tank failure. The tank on a traditional water heater is the part that eventually fails, and cannot be replaced. US residents discard and replace six million water heaters annually due to tank failure… creating an enormous pile of jagged, rusting metal and an awesome breeding ground for mosquitoes — coming soon to a landfill near you.

“Tankless water heaters? They’re junk,” said the plumber in a tone that suggested a long-standing grudge. I guess he doesn’t sell tankless water heaters.

“They’re used all over Europe,” I said, thinking that in my experience Europeans tend to be way ahead of Americans in embracing environmentally-conscious technologies, like styrofoam-brick homes, solar power generation, and tiny high-mileage cars.

“Europe?!” he exclaimed in a tone that suggested a long-standing grudge. “They’re way behind us!” That hung in the air for a moment like a piece of day-old beef, beginning to stink, needing to be addressed soon. After a few seconds the plumber conceded lamely, “Well, maybe their cars are better.” And then he admitted he’d never been to Europe.

Later I asked him about anodes. Typical water heaters contain a metal rod whose only purpose is to corrode. This “anode” is there because something is going to corrode; you can’t have bare metal and water together for long without the metal going away. The anode is sacrificial by design; it rots away until it’s gone, and after that the tank will rust out. If you replace the anode before it gets used up, chances are excellent your water heater tank will last a long time, because it never has an opportunity to corrode. This is basic water-heater science, and it’s explained beautifully at WaterHeaterRescue.com… a website this plumber has obviously never seen.

“Replace the anode?!” he snorted. “That’s just theory.”

“That seems unlikely,” I didn’t say, “given that nearly every water heater that’s tall enough for an anode has one inside, if not two…”

“Look, it’s like carburetors,” he said. “In theory, the Quadrajet is the best carburetor in the world.”

“Because of the small primaries and big secondaries?” He’d mentioned the one internal-combustion engine piece I actually know something about. I used to own a Quadrajet; it was attached to my Camaro. For normal driving around, a Quadrajet uses its smaller, more fuel-efficient “primaries.” When the driver stomps on the gas pedal to pass someone, or when doing donuts in the high school parking lot, the fat “secondaries” open up and feed enormous quantities of gas to the engine.

“That’s right,” he agreed, on familiar and probably well-worn turf. “If the Quadrajet was really the best carburetor, then every car would have one. But they don’t.” I guess he was trying to prove that all theories are wrong. But in fact he was just proving that he knows as little about logic as he knows about water chemistry.

We found someone else to install a new water heater. He’s great — he doesn’t bullshit, and he charges less. The only downside is that he’s booked two weeks into the future. Go figure.