DEBRIS.COMgood for a laugh, or possibly an aneurysm

So you’ve decided to buy a plasma TV. You’ve even decided what model to buy. And you’ve decided to buy it online, because the model you want isn’t sold locally and even if it were, you’re allergic to the hair gel all the salespeople at the appliance store wear.

Where do you begin? At shopper.com, home of a thousand etailers you’ve never heard of. Thankfully, an arbitrary ratings system helps inform you whom to trust.

What do the stars mean? You have no idea! You’re not buying stars — you’re buying a television. You thought that was clear.

You watch the prices for a few days. Suddenly they drop $200. You are pleasantly surprised and suddenly motivated. You spring into action: you call the three stores with the lowest prices. The voice mail system for all three stores sounds the same. The accents are straight out of the Sopranos.

You check addresses. They’re all in Brooklyn. You have visions of buying a television in an alley behind a butcher shop from a guy named Joey. But hey, this is mail order. So long as there isn’t any blood on the packaging, you’d just as soon save the $200.

So you connect to a salesman. You wonder if he’s wearing hair gel. You think perhaps it’s a good thing videophones aren’t in common use.

You give Joey your credit card number and you wonder if he’ll be on the next plane to Greece. You think, if so, at least you’ll get a good journal story out of it. Besides, your credit card is insured against fraud… right?

You order the TV stand separately because you figure your wife will get tired of holding the thing vertical during the year’s 9th viewing of the Matrix, especially when you’ve just made popcorn. But you realize that Joey’s asking $200 more for the stand than the manufacturer does, and you go “Hmmmm…” You begin to get an idea of how the store can afford to beat every other vendor by $350.

So you call him on it. You tell him you can get the exact same stand, shipped, off of Ebay for less than retail. And you think, you’re sure glad you haven’t yet told him where you live.

Joey says, “I can match that.” You are again surprised.

You ask about shipping. You then realize that the same guy who calculated the markup on TV stands calculated the markup on shipping. You ask for another deal. And you get it, and you’re real surprised.

So you wait a week, and just about the time you’re wondering if Joey will send a postcard from Santorini, a big-assed delivery truck rumbles down the driveway and a guy whose name is probably Tony leans out and says “Hey! You order a TV?”

And you think, if you get any more surprised you’re going to have to shave off your eyebrows.

The best thing is, you got a journal story out of it anyway.