DEBRIS.COMgood for a laugh, or possibly an aneurysm

(We were going to write these up for houseguests until we realized the list would need a table of contents and an index.)

No shoes in the house. You can borrow my sandals for wearing inside, but not those sandals because they have turkey crap on the soles. Those are the indoor sandals.

The yellow sponge is for dishes. The blue one is for wiping counters. The white mesh thing is for nonstick pans.

Don’t use warm water for cooking because the water heater has an aluminum anode.

Before you fry anything, close the doors in the living room, so the bedroom doesn’t smell like onions.

Don’t use metal utensils in the Teflon pans.

The red towel is for wiping counters. one of the other towels is for dishes, and the third for hands but not even I know this rule.

Don’t run the washing machine or the dishwasher until they’re full. No, that’s not “full.”

Paper, but not paper towels, and plastic, but not plastic that doesn’t have a recycling code on it, go into the paper bags near the stove. Food scraps, but not animal parts — except for eggshells, which are OK — go into the compost container. Everything else goes into the trash compactor.

Don’t run major appliances between noon and 6:00 PM, except on weekends and PG&E holidays.

Diapers go into the washer with 5 squirts of Bac-Out, a tablespoon of Bio-Kleen, a shot of vinegar into the rinse cycle, and maybe a handful of baking soda if you have a hand free. Dry them for 45 minutes, then take out the wipes and lay them flat, then dry the diapers for another 30 minutes, or put them in the sun to bleach out the insides if it’s a nice day or if it’s already noon and you can’t run the dryer.

You can take the Golf, but the Jetta has to stay with the baby (two months old and he has his own car!). If you put gas in the Jetta, it has to be premium.

Nothing foreign goes into the toilet.

Use the switches on the power strips to turn off the power to the stereo and TV when you’re done with them.

Turn lights off when you leave the room. (Are you sure you needed to turn them on in the first place?)

Yes, 65° is “warm.”

Keep track of your cloth napkin. You’ll see it again.

You weren’t going to cook that meat here were you?!