DEBRIS.COMgood for a laugh, or possibly an aneurysm

Momentarily abandoning rational thought, I picked up a tub of guacamole at the mini-mart at the Mineral Lodge a couple weekends ago. I didn’t give a thought to what might actually be in it until after I’d returned to my room. I mean, guacamole is avocados, right?

Umm…

In a tone suggesting “you don’t want to know what’s in this,” my wife asked, “do you want to know what’s in this?” I remember thinking, “no, not until I swallow!”

As you may know, ingredients on packaged-food labels are listed in descending order by weight, from most to least. Whatever is listed first is basically what you’re eating.

Here’s what “Dean’s Zesty Guacamole” is made of: skim milk, soybean oil, diced tomatoes, water, hydrogenated vegetable oil, and, if there’s any room left in the pot, avocado pulp. Plus literally 46 other items, including five acids (citric, lactic, sodium, ascorbic, acetic), eggs and egg yolks, a rainbow of chemical colorants (yellow 5, yellow 6, blue 1, red 40), and locust bean gum, making this product a tasty way to fulfill the US RDA for mannose residues.

With all due respect to Dean Foods, makers of fine Horizon Organic dairy products, this is not guacamole. This is barely even food.

Therefore we are pleased to present Dean Foods with our prestigious Corinthian Leather Award to celebrate this use of ridiculous, obfuscating marketing language — essentially, for putting the word “guacamole” on the label of this evil green stew. Congratulations all around! Erm, please pass the salsa.

Click for previous Corinthian Leather awards.