DEBRIS.COMgood for a laugh, or possibly an aneurysm

I was a lowly tourist in a zoo of sweaty, desperate people. I was in Las Vegas during NASCAR’s UAW-Daimler Chrysler 400… which meant that every Winston T-shirted redneck within a thousand miles had come here for the weekend.

Simultaneously, John Ruiz battled Evander Holyfield in a WBA pay-per-view event. These crowds mingled poorly. NASCAR fans were easily placed by their accents and the fact that most of their conversations seem to include the names of engine parts. In contrast the boxing fans all looked like MBAs; they were dressed for a fancy evening on the town, as if they’d come from the opera instead of the ring.

Boxing and auto racing have some elements in common — the action is fast, and there’s a constant threat of serious injury. And the concession stands at both venues serve cheese fries.

And yet, the crowds are vastly different. As a momentary diversion I mentally combined members of these two groups… I pictured a trim athletic man in a satin “Pit Crew” jacket, accessorized with Bally loafers, a Cartier watch, an embroidered Mr. Goodwrench cap, and a drawl. His scent is YSL, and Pennzoil.

I took the fantasy no further; I had to get back to losing money.

Fortunately I was on a strict budget, so 5 minutes after I started losing money, I was finished losing money… no point losing my dignity too. And so we checked out a few of the town’s free shows.

Treasure Island puts on a special-effects-laden pirate battle that must be seen to be believed. It’s a pyrotechnics extravaganza — and even if you know what to expect, the blast of heat that erupts from the ships will shock you. (It’s the sort of thing that makes you blink to see if your contacts have melted to your eyeballs.) You can see the pirate battle via QuickTime video.

If your senses are already overloaded, you might prefer the Dancing Lights show at Bellagio — a huge fountain whose jets are choreographed to classical music. You can see a slideshow of Bellagio’s dancing lights.