DEBRIS.COMgood for a laugh, or possibly an aneurysm

Our hotel room in Amsterdam is scarcely big enough for the bed. It is only trivially bigger than the 4th bedroom in my old San Francisco flat — a 5' x 9' closet we called the “penalty box,” and rented to a classmate for about $250 per month. The hotel room, although smaller, is a lot more expensive at $95 per night. At least it comes with a private bathroom, or more accurately a private shower stall that has a sink and toilet installed within it.

“This room is so small…” I began. My wife rolled her eyes. “…that you have to step outside to change your mind.” The reason this old joke got old is that people repeat it incessantly, just in case someone hasn’t already heard it. (That someone was recently found and thawed after having been frozen in a block of ice for 30,000 years.) Actually the reason I often repeat old jokes is that I rarely have any new ones to tell.

You have probably heard this ride pattern before. As has been pointed out to me by several readers, notably Brian M. and Jeremy A., it’s an African rhythm called bembe or hoeblade. I know I’ve heard Mike Portnoy play it, and I’d be interested to know other sources — send me an email if you can name a song or solo that incorporates it.

The basic kick/snare groove is a heavily ghosted shuffle, using a bounced ghost approach that I learned from Atma Anur. This is just one example of what can be played under the ride pattern, of course.

    /3\/3\/3\/3\ (shuffle feel)
    1  2  3  4  
RC  o o oo o o
SD   oo o O o oo
KD  o    o     o

Patronize these links, man:

• Virtual Drummer loop
• MIDI
• MP3

It is a tradition in my wife’s family to decorate the Christmas tree with candles. Well aware of the fire hazard, we all watched the tree closely, hyper-conscious of the status of each candle. Long before any candle burned down to its base, or any flame came near a branch, adjustments were made to ensure a disaster-free Christmas dinner.

So you can imagine our surprise when, in the midst of the meal and the ongoing tree maintenance, the Advent wreath caught fire.

A few days later, while recounting the story to friends in Köln, I made an unfortunate use of the possessive form. As our host blew out the short candles in her Advent wreath, noting that they were close to burning through, I said, “Stephanie’s parents’ caught on fire.” I pronounced the apostrophe as best I could, but I admit, it sounded like my in-laws (rather than their wreath) had combusted.

My German in-laws enjoy having family dinners at Chinese restaurants. This strikes me as funny somehow, as if German in-laws are only allowed to have family meals at the imbiss, over currywurst (sausage with curry sauce) and pommes rot-weis (french fries with ketchup and mayonaise). In fact, they probably have those too.

My wife is translating the menu to me. Her mother notices, and asks me whether she should request an English-language menu. “No, that’s not necessary,” I reply in halting German, “I don’t speak Chinese anyway.” This got big laughs. Fortunately my in-laws are easily amused.

Two points determine a line. Three points determine a plane. Four limbs determine a groove.

Start with an eighth-note ride pattern. Split it palindromatically across two sound sources, using two limbs, on two sides of the kit. Add a simple, funk-inspired kick and snare rhythm underneath, and — this is the hard part — try to play it. (It’s just eighth notes; how hard can it be?!) The result is surprisingly nonlinear; most beats are played in unison. It is the changing of limbs to play these combinations that requires some practice.

    1 + 2 + 3 + 4 + 
RC  o   o     o   o 
SD        o     o   
KD  o o     o       
HH    x   x x   x   

Patronize these links, man:

• Virtual Drummer
• MIDI
• MP3