DEBRIS.COMgood for a laugh, or possibly an aneurysm

The Duluth Trading Co.’s Longtail T offers a solution to plumber’s butt: “just three inches of shirt body length will keep you in the good graces of your clients and fellow tradesmen.”

So, that should help your concrete guy patch that last crack.

(I am embarrassed to admit I could only come up with that single pun. Submissions are welcome!)

We saw the new Matt Damon espionage thriller, The Bourne Identity. I liked it; I think Damon did a credible job as the spy-with-many-powers-and-amnesia.

I find that plotline tremendously appealing. I guess it feeds my fantasy that I’ll one day discover that I have an immense but unexpected talent, to complement the few talents I really do have, and the many talents I believe I possess even if everyone around me is convinced I’m dreaming.

Yes, TBI shares its premise with The Long Kiss Goodnight, another fun movie. I liked TBI better. And I think Jason Bourne can kick Samantha Caine’s ass, even if Caine can chop celery better than Martin Yan.

I noticed a few bothersome details in the movie. They don’t detract from the story, which is why they bug me — they could have been fixed without consequence.

First: Bourne has amnesia, but learns over a few weeks’ time that he is unbeatable in hand-to-hand combat, knows an alarming amount about guns, and owns a half-dozen passports in different names and a pile of currency from every country in Europe. And, persons unknown to him are trying to execute him. After all that, he asks “Who am I?” Like it’s any big mystery … even the chuckleheads in the back of the theater are thinking, “Haven’t you ever been to the movies? You’re a secret agent!!”

If he’s supposed to be so smart, it should have been completely obvious, even if unbelievable, that he’s an extremely well-trained assassin. It’s as if Bourne flipped open a copy of What Color is Your Parachute, thinking… “OK, I speak seven languages, I like to travel, and I kill people with my hands. It says here I’m perfectly suited for an exciting career in livestock management!”

Second: after a close call, Bourne realizes his enemies are much better informed as to his whereabouts than previously suspected. So, seizing a high-tech counterespionage technique, he makes his companion cut her hair short. Gee, that will really throw everyone off the trail! Especially since Bourne was still lugging around the red shoulder sack that was so incongruously bright it could be seen from space.

I bought some stereo gear from AudioAdvisor recently. At every transaction, I clearly specified that my personal data was not to be shared with anyone. Every sales and service rep cheerfully complied with this request, confirming that my name had been marked “private” in the database.

Today I got some audiophile junk in the mail. This was the second or third piece, and I was finally incensed enough to follow up: as a first step, I called the junk-mailer and asked that my name be removed from the mailing list. I read him the numbers off the back of the catalog, and he said, “oh, you’re not on our list — we rented your name and address from AudioAdvisor.” Err, what?

A call to AudioAdvisor revealed a fatal problem: within their customer service database, my name was already marked “do not sell.” The AA rep was mystified. “Hmm, if your name is marked private, you’d think we wouldn’t sell it.” Indeed. He offered his profound apologies. I offered to take my future business elsewhere.

So, if you’re shopping for stereo or home-theater equipment, I make this recommendation: if you are concerned about the privacy of your personal data, do not do business with Audio Advisor. They do not respect your privacy. Apparently they’d rather make a fast buck pawning your name and address to anyone who asks, than comply with their own privacy policy (which begins, “Audio Advisor, Inc. respects the privacy of all of our visitors and customers.”).

I concede that it’s possible that someone in their IT department made a mistake, or that a software glitch is responsible for my data getting out. But in the end, the result is the same — Audio Advisor makes promises they cannot keep.

Caveat emptor.

Our room at the B&B in Sutter Creek offered the usual amenities: fancy breakfast, gourmet snacks and champagne at happy hour, enough pillows on the bed for a family of Hydras (Hydrae?) and, refreshingly, less than my total annual capacity for cuteness.

The phone policy impressed me immediately: local calls are free and unmetered, and there is no surcharge to access long-distance carriers. Even better, the phones were not hard-wired, so plugging the telco line into my laptop was a breeze.

And although I didn’t use it, the inn offers wireless net access too (albeit for a fee). After witnessing all this convenient technology, I was not surprised to learn that the owner works for Intel.

The nightstand of every room hosted a white-noise machine. I found this to be a nice touch, useful for masking the sounds from the neighboring room. Or our own (ahem!). There were six channels of sound available: surf, stream, rain, waterfall, and one that seemed to be silent except for occasional sounds of skidding tires and then metal impact, glass breaking, etc. I think that was the “blizzard” channel.

Actually the sixth selection was a heartbeat sound, the use of which I do not understand. We took to calling it the “stalker channel.” It was spooky and unnatural — who regularly falls asleep to the sound of an amplified heartbeat? I thought maybe the manufacturer included that sound for use by newborns. But then I realized that no newborn would have arms long enough to reach out of the crib to turn the thing on or off, making it pointless after all.

I stumbled across a funny comic strip: Pearl Before Swine. I really enjoy the wordplay.

They only seem to archive 30 days’ worth, so I nearly didn’t point to any individual strips, as the links would break within a month. But one was too good to skip: Fast Sally. I’ve saved a copy to a local mirror with hopes that UFS considers this a specific educational purpose, aka “fair use.”

If you read this before July 10, check out the witty series beginning on June 10.