DEBRIS.COMgood for a laugh, or possibly an aneurysm

A mix of autobiographical essays and fiction, of new pieces and previous releases, Holidays on Ice presents a mixed picture of the author. I’ll say first of all that this is not appropriate holiday reading, unless you really hate the holidays, but there are significant redeeming qualities.

The first piece, SantaLand Diaries, is worth the price of the volume. It ranks among Sedaris’ best — self-deprecating, dry, and laugh-out-loud funny. The essay tells the story of Sedaris’ holiday stint as an Elf at Macy’s SantaLand. It’s a treasure of sharp characters and sharp observations, all delivered with trademark deappan aplomb.

Today was the official opening day of SantaLand and I worked as a Magic Window Elf… My job was to say, “Step on the Magic Star and look through the window, and you can see Santa!” I was at the Magic Window for 15 minutes before a man approached me and said, “You look so fucking stupid.”

I had to admit that he had a point. But still, I wanted to say that at least I get paid to look stupid, that he gives it away for free.

The opening of the next piece, Season’s Greetings to Our Friends and Family is a brilliant and knife-edged satire of the sort of Christmas newsletters that accompany holiday greeting cards. But it quickly turns dark, and although it maintains its sarcastic and satirical tone (which is fun to read), the story reveals a murder, which mars the volume’s tone of holiday cheer.

Then again, nobody promised that this book would provide lighthearted entertainment.

I recommend the book, because some of the pieces are must-reads. But I think this particular Sedaris collection would appeal more to fans of Vonnegut than to, say, fans of Dave Barry.

Patronize these links, man:

• Amazon (paperback)
• Powell’s (hardback, used
• Powell’s (paperback)

I dread vacuuming now, and it’s all Martha Stewart’s fault. I made the mistake af picking up one of her magazines when I was cooling down at the gym recently. One of the articles had some fear-mongering title like “Are your carpets really clean?”

(After seeing Bowling for Columbine I’ve become sensitive to the selling of fear in America. Do they teach this in magazine school? How many times have you read an article because it promised insider information about something else you should be afraid of?)

Anyway, I hadn’t seen the movie yet, and I was naturally afraid that maybe my carpets might not be really clean, given that I can barely manage to vacuum three times a year, so I had to read. I was rewarded with scary statistics that I don’t recall exactly but will provide the gist of here: after a single pass with a high-quality vacuum, something like 80% of the dirt remains in the carpet.

Here’s my corollary to Martha’s Law of Dirty Carpets: the more advertisements your vacuum manufacturer places in the weekend newspaper, the more dirt will be left in your carpet. I have no scientific evidence, of course; I’m just trying to mong a little fear of my own. I understand it’s good for circulation (not yours, but mine).

Martha had this recommendation for proper vacuuming: for high-traffic areas, make four passes in four different directions. That’s 16 passes total. Don’t blame me if you suck the color out of your carpeting.

At this point I think you should look at a close-up picture of a common household dust mite at 2000x magnification.

I’ve finally begun planning my new drum studio. My drums have been stacked up the garage since August, when we sold the house where we’d built a studio previously… but now it’s time to play again.

I found two excellent resources on sound control. If you’re looking to soundproof a rehearsal space, or really any space at all, check out Acoustics101. The site was created by Auralex, manufacturer of top-of-the-line products for sound absorption and isolation. The Acoustics101 site offers detailed advice and specific product recommendations. It is required reading.

Also useful is Soundproofing101. The overview of sound control techniques is especially clear and useful. Some of their soundproofing recommendations are misleading, I believe, so I treat this resource as a second opinion to the information in Acoustics101.

One of the neat things about having switched to the Dvorak keyboard layout is that I can type ‘tcsh’ with one hand. And it’s the right hand, so the left is free to be doing something else productive with the mouse.

Ahhh, I love technology!

“Dude, what’s with that water?”

“What do you mean?” I asked back, reaching for the bottle.

“Is that… Is there anything in the water?” He smiled to mask an unseemly suspicion.

“Nope, just water.” I shook the bottle dismissively.

He paused for a second, processing his options, and then said in a somewhat accusing tone, “But it’s yellow.”

He was partially correct. If you fill a plastic bottle with well water, and there are even just a few parts per million of iron in the water, or a few dozen as in our case, the bottle will turn slightly orange over time. Or yellow, depending on the room lighting and the accuracy of one’s color perception. I explained this, and he looked relieved, and said “Oh!” with rather more emphasis than I expected. I stared at him for a few seconds, and as realization dawned I said “You didn’t think —”

“What?” he said with less innocence than was genuine.

“You thought I was drinking my own pee!”