DEBRIS.COMgood for a laugh, or possibly an aneurysm

The weekend Chronicle ran a great interview with Tom Waits.

Old-time show business is on his mind. He looks down at the notebook again and comes back with the name of the 19th century French stage star who did vaudeville late in life.

“Sarah Bernhardt,” he says. “She was playing Juliet in her 70s and had one leg. Barnum and Bailey bought her leg, the leg that was amputated, and they had it in a tank with some formaldehyde and fish. It was being displayed as the leg of Sarah Bernhardt, and at one point her leg was making more money than she was when she was playing joints. I always think of that when I get depressed. I think that’s got to really hurt.”

By the way, this one is a real interview, unlike my brush with greatness (and pancakes).

In response to my inquiry about how involved he has been with his wedding plans, my future brother-in-law replied, “Oh, I’m definitely involved; I have my hand in just about everything except the dress.”

Heh.

ArtWorks Downtown, in San Rafael, hosts an exhibition of movie models from Industrial Light and Magic this month. The show is called Magic Models; it runs through the end of October. On October 22, the venue will host a discussion with model builders from ILM.

Pieces from about a dozen movies are displayed. I expected a “greatest hits” show, which given ILM’s filmography would fill a city block. So I was disappointed at both the scope and scale of this show, which fits comfortably in a single exhibition room of about 400 square feet.

I liked the Mission: Impossible piece best, perhaps because it was the one movie from which models were taken that I’d seen. Also it was an impressive sequence: fly a helicopter into a tunnel behind a bullet train, have actors leap between train and helicopter, then (natch) blow it all up. The helicopter was built to 1/8 scale and bolted to a sort of railway car which could move at 50 mph, the speed necessary to simulate a 200 mph stunt.

Washington D.C. — In a shocking move, Presidential challenger and recent debate winner Senator John Kerry resigned from his bid for the nation’s highest office.

“I had no idea how much hard work it is to be President!” he exclaimed. “I’m going windsurfing instead. Did I mention that my wife is a billionaire?”

In a hastily convened press conference in the White House Rose Garden, President George W. Bush commented, “Being President is indeed hard work. I wake up every morning thinking ‘this is hard work,’ and it is, it’s hard work. But we’ll stay the course. Fighting the enemy. Hard work. Enemy. Stay the course. Hard work. Thousand points of light… Umm, Dick?”

Bush said that Iraq is “hard work.” Protecting America is “hard work.” Fighting terrorists is “hard work.” Moving from tyranny to democracy is “hard work.” Moving from a place where people get their hands cut off to a place where people are free is “hard work.” Loving Missy Johnson is “hard work.” Getting the job done is “hard work.” Basically everything he’s done for 3.5 years is “hard work.”

I humbly submit this time-management tip to George W. Bush: if you hadn’t spent 42% of your Presidency on vacation, maybe it wouldn’t be so damn hard.

Statistically speaking, in fact, it would be 42% less hard. I guess that of these eight choices you could pick approximately three of them — they’re the ones that wouldn’t have been hard if you hadn’t been out cutting fenceposts or whatever.

• Iraq
• protecting America
• fighting terrorists
• moving from tyranny to democracy
• moving from a place where people get their hands cut off to a place where people are free
• loving Missy Johnson
• getting the job done
• basically everything he’s done for 3.5 years

Even if you take loving Missy Johnson, which frankly sounds a lot less hard than you make out, you’d have got some quality work done.

Here’s a practice incantation: “Laura, look, I’d love to spend this month at the ranch, but I figure if I stay here at the office and put in an honest couple weeks’ work, I could fight terrorists and protect America and possibly even get around to loving Missy Johnson.”