DEBRIS.COMgood for a laugh, or possibly an aneurysm

So we bought one of those 5 kg boxes of fresh garlic at Costco, thinking we could freeze whatever we didn’t immediately use. It was incredibly convenient to not have to peel garlic for a couple weeks. But now I’ve got approximately 4.997 kg of peeled garlic cloves in the freezer, where I’m afraid they’re doomed to a cold and lonely future like their neighbors, the Brussels sprouts. Seriously, we’re looking at 300 meals’ worth of garlic here.

We’ve used a couple of the frozen cloves lately, in place of fresh. It’s not exactly the same. In fact, it’s not exactly good. Frozen garlic doesn’t mince worth a damn, and when it’s sauteed it gives off an aroma that makes you think pungent really meant skunky all this time.

I wonder if this is one of those things you’re just not supposed to do. Is this something everybody knows but me, like the fact that you have to clean the filter in your dishwasher more than once every four years?

I guess it’s just as well. I was running out of Brussels sprouts anyway.

So, I ran over a deer on the way to work this morning.

I didn’t actually kill the deer. Someone else did that already, and left a pile of deer parts in the middle of the road. I didn’t even try to drive around it. Maybe I’m not the sharpest tine on the combine, but it took a couple seconds of peering into the sunrise to make sense of the rapidly-approaching oversized lump in the roadway. By then the only way to avoid it was to drive into oncoming traffic — not a good trade. I had to take my chances with the dead deer, so I centered my car as best I could and mowed right over the top of it.

Unfortunately my little car doesn’t have quite enough ground clearance to pass a deer underneath. Just when I thought I’d made it I heard a sickening thwack sound and felt what I guess was deer skin tearing at about 30 mph. I think the carcass didn’t move, but the top part stood up a bit when it caught on my car frame, and then plopped back down after I’d passed, minus whatever bits of fur and etc. might still be stuck to my undercarriage. No, I’m not crawling beneath the car to check. But I did smell something a little funky a couple miles later.

I took a different route home, and nearly ran down a rooster.

I took Friday off work and planned my four-day holiday weekend around recording. I’d already wired most of my mics and started adjusting placements. I was ready to rock! [insert sign of the goat]

Then I ate something nasty, or picked up something nasty at the playground. I’ll never know. But a slight headache on Thursday afternoon turned into a full-blown digestive emergency by nighttime. I spent 48 hours in deep, dark misery, and the next 24 eating little more than white bread while chugging fluids in an attempt to rehydrate. As of Sunday night my fingertips were still wrinkly.

The only time I ever got food poisoning was in 1989, some kind of Boboli pizza that had gone terribly wrong. I don’t remember being sick for more than one night. Perhaps distance strips away some of the painful details. I’m hoping that holds true in this case.

I actually saw a doctor on Friday. This was an issue more of convenience than anything else — when was the last time you saw a doctor the day you actually needed one? I didn’t want to miss the opportunity, if only so I could write about it.

She listened to my stomach while making an inventory of my symptoms. She pronounced my digestive tract “hyper-mobile,” which I thought was a pleasantly neutral way to communicate the awful churning reality of it. Every time I rolled over, I could hear the surf. Through the stethoscope, the doctor could probably make out the SONAR signals and whalesong too.

Michael Capella’s long-awaited CD release party takes place this weekend:

Friday, May 19, 2006
Glaser Center
547 Mendocino Ave.
Santa Rosa, CA

Here’s the blurb about the CD:

“These Days” features fourteen original songs ranging from touching folk ballads to spirited country rockers with insights on life’s joy and challenges. The songs are delivered through strong melodies wrapped in lush tones of acoustic & electric guitar, mandolin, dobro, and pedal steel; anchored by strong, sensitive percussion; and topped with beautiful vocal harmonies.

Believe it or not, “sensitive percussion” applies at least in part to my drum tracks on the songs Back to Me, Miss You, That’s All, and Tender Love.

Subject: SHARON’S SORBET IS BACK AT TRADER JOE’S!

Dear Matthew;

Sharon’s wants to thank all the loyal fans of our sorbet for their strong support! We just received news that Trader Joe’s is placing Sharon’s Sorbet back in their stores.

We are eternally thankful and would like to send you FREE manufacturer coupons in gratitude. Please email us your address and we will send you the coupons as thank you gift.

So, that phone call has paid off. Now if TJ’s would just do something about all the plastic wrap on their produce.

Anyway, if you haven’t tried it, Sharon’s Coconut Sorbet is the best cow-free ice cream you’ll ever taste. Seriously, you won’t miss the cream (nor the rBGH).