DEBRIS.COMgood for a laugh, or possibly an aneurysm

Here’s an innovative yet fraudulent way to improve W’s standing in swing states:

On Tuesday, November 2, when hundreds and perhaps thousands of registered Democrats enter their polling places in Nevada, they will be in for a rude surprise: They won’t be allowed to vote. Even though they filled out their registration forms properly and they did it way ahead of the deadline, there will be no record of their being registered to vote. That’s because, according to an investigation by Las Vegas television station KLAS, a private voter registration company called Voters Outreach of America — an outfit largely funded by the Republican National Committee — has trashed hundreds of registration forms of registered Democrats.

In a 2002 interview, President George W. Bush remarked, “I do not need to explain why I say things.”

But we’ve uncovered the reason anyway: he says things because the voices tell him to!

(Additional links: 1, 2, 3.)

The Save Betamax people are reporting:

Congratulations! Late yesterday, the news from Washington was in: the INDUCE Act is dead for the rest of the year. Thank you so much for the effort you put into contacting your Senators. Your work has made a difference, and if the RIAA and MPAA try again to pass INDUCE, we’re 7,000 voters strong, we’ll rally even more support, and we’ll stop them.

See historical INDUCE coverage at debris.com

Congratulations are in order!

President Bush and Vice-President Cheney have won an award from the League of Conservation Voters. They share the top spot in LCV’s 2004 Dirty Dozen award, for consistently trashing the environment.

Way to stay “on message,” boys! The American people crave consistency, and you have not wavered from your focus on improving energy-company profits since the day you took office!

The president and VP are joined by a bipartisan crew of toxin-spewing Representatives, all of whom are guilty of such eco-crimes as:

• letting corporate polluters off the hook (in exchange for campaign donations, in some cases)
• delaying clean air protections, even in cities with documented poor air quality
• exempting oil and gas construction sites from the Clean Water Act, threatening drinking water
• revising forest management regulations to limit environmental review and public participation
• threatening water resources for farmers and ranchers
• allowing more arsenic in South Dakota’s drinking water

Debris.com tips its oil-stained hardhat to the full Dirty Dozen, which has a few open spots, so don’t get any ideas because there’s still room for you:

1. President Bush, Vice-President Cheney (tie)
2. Rep. Bob Beauprez (R, Colorado)
3. Rep. Max Burns (R, Georgia)
4. Rep. Richard Burr (R, North Carolina)
5. Rep. Tom DeLay (R, Texas)
6. Rep.George Nethercutt (R, Washington)
7. Rep. Collin Peterson (D, Minnesota)
8. Rep. Rick Renzi (R, Arizona)
9. Fmr. Rep. John Thune (R, South Dakota)

There is no particular prize associated with the “Dirty Dozen” award, except that all these officials get to breathe the same dirty air as the rest of us. Hey, maybe this is a democracy after all.

(VP Dick Cheney was previously recognized in this space for eminence in war profiteering.)

Washington D.C. — In a shocking move, Presidential challenger and recent debate winner Senator John Kerry resigned from his bid for the nation’s highest office.

“I had no idea how much hard work it is to be President!” he exclaimed. “I’m going windsurfing instead. Did I mention that my wife is a billionaire?”

In a hastily convened press conference in the White House Rose Garden, President George W. Bush commented, “Being President is indeed hard work. I wake up every morning thinking ‘this is hard work,’ and it is, it’s hard work. But we’ll stay the course. Fighting the enemy. Hard work. Enemy. Stay the course. Hard work. Thousand points of light… Umm, Dick?”