DEBRIS.COMgood for a laugh, or possibly an aneurysm

The Miami Herald reports that a team-building exercise went awry at a gathering of Burger King marketing staff: of the 100+ people who walked over hot coals, a dozen needed medical attention, and one spent the night in the hospital.

Event organizer “Cork” Kallen, keenly aware of his liability, offered this ridiculous opinion: “When you see over 100 people and only 10 to 15 people have blisters, I don’t term that unusual.” I find it not at all curious that Mr. Kallen’s promotional website doesn’t mention that he expects a 10% injury rate.

According to his motivational-speaker resume, Mr. Kallen used to be a personal injury attorney, meaning he made his living suing the sort of people who run events where participants get horribly injured. Anyone who doesn’t find that deliciously ironic, please line up here behind the red-hot coals.

Here are the original stories: Burger King firewalking a burning issue (Miami Herald — local mirror); Workers Bond, Then Are Treated (New York Times — local mirror)

(By the way, what the heck happened to the too-clever headline writers when this story came up? Dumb puns are the lifeblood of copyeditors — they even give awards for stupid headlines. Am I supposed to believe that after reading about Burger King employees at a firewalk, no one in Miami or New York was able to come up with a good grilling joke?)

[Thanks to Bim for forwarding this story!]

A weekend trip to Trader Joe’s turned up an unexpected contender for our Corinthian Leather Award, which we bestow upon laughable marketing text.

Robert’s American Gourmet creates “natural, gourmet, herbal snacks,” including one called Veggie Booty. This is an organic, vegetarian snack food made of puffed rice and corn, stained green with spinach, broccoli, tea, and parsley. The flavor is… not compelling. The texture is like nothing so much as styrofoam packing peanuts.

On the back of the bag, and on Rob’s website, appears this claim: “This is a life changing snack.”

Ha!

Here’s my idea of a life-changing snack: Escherichia coli O157:H7. Botulism. Hemlock. Galerina autumnalis.

Eat any of those, and your life will change dramatically. But you can eat an full bag of Veggie Booty, and although the entire length of your alimentary canal will turn green, your life will not have changed at all.

Click for previous Corinthian Leather awards.

Legendary ex-Police drummer Stewart Copeland has a fascinating new project: Oysterhead, with Les Claypool (bassist from Primus) and Trey Anastasio (guitarist from Phish). They have a new album, The Grand Pecking Order. Their website has recent video footage. The Modern Drummer website has interesting interviews with Claypool and Anastasio about what it’s like to play with Copeland, as a teaser for the current paper magazine which features “The Return of Stewart Copeland.”

(Here’s an archive of three great, interesting interviews with Copeland, dating from 1980, 1990, and 1997.)

Music samples from Grand Pecking Order: Amazon, oysterhead.com.

So I’ve listened to all the samples, and I’ve ordered the CD (I mean, come on, it’s Stewart Copeland!), and I find myself wishing Claypool hadn’t done any of the singing.

I had to stop listening to Primus because the of the goofy lyrics and goofier vocals. They’re irritating. I chucked my Primus CDs and was much relieved when Tim Alexander’s Attention Deficit albums came out, as they afford an opportunity for me to enjoy his drumming without having to endure Les’ adolescent babbling.

I guess what I really wanted from Oysterhead was more music, and “Les” Claypool. (I am proud to say I stole that joke from WKRP in Cincinnati.)

Interesting question — if everyone with a laser pointer shined it at the moon at the same time, would we see the red glow from Earth? http://www.paintthemoon.org/

The first attempt is in a few weeks, 2001-10-27. If you’re afraid you’ll forget, send yourself a reminder via email. (The Site Foundry’s email reminder service will not spam you.) Here’s a reminder for the second attempt.

Yes, I’ve seen all the explanations for why this won’t, couldn’t possibly work. I still think this is a great idea.

Today I was amused to read that Toppik, a cosmetic solution for thinning hair, is packaged in “an elegant, discrete molded container specially designed to dispense the fibers through 167 digitally optimized openings.” That is, a plastic shaker bottle.

This wins my first-ever Corinthian Leather Award, which I will assign periodically as new instances of ridiculous, obfuscating marketing language come to my attention. Submit yours today! You might win this genuine faux-woodgrain pressboard plaque!

(“Corinthian Leather” is a phrase invented by Chrysler’s marketing department in the late 1970s, when Ricardo Montalban was hawking their autos via a famous series of television commercials. There is no such thing as “Corinthian” leather. They made it up. And yet everyone believed it, to the point where today some companies still sell “Corinthian Leather” foil handles and bible cases. Whether these vendors are deceived, or simply attempting to cash in on Chrysler’s 25-year-old deceit, is an interesting question, suitable for discussion when you’re next trapped in an elevator, or trying to pass the time during your prostate or cervical exam.)