DEBRIS.COMgood for a laugh, or possibly an aneurysm

Jonathan Miller, head of the Time Warner’s Internet division, was at Web 2.0 last week. I was not paying close attention because I was busy surfing the web (a little conference humor there).

I heard him and John Battelle, the conference host, discuss a number. I missed whatever it was the number meant.

“25 million?” said Battelle.

Miller motioned “up” with his hand.

“50 million?”

Miller motioned “up” again.

And so on. Battelle stopped guessing around 100 million. Miller shook his head and said “660 million.” And all the while I was thinking, what the hell are they talking about? My notes actually read: “aol - 660 million what??”

I had a sense of what the number might be, what it could only be. It couldn’t be anything good or the number wouldn’t have been a surprise — AOL would have published it long before.

My suspicion turned out to be correct, as unbelievable as it was. 660 million is the number of AOL CDs the company produced.

The good news is that AOL doesn’t make these CDs any more. I thought Miller stated that they’d stopped sending CDs, but readers immediately reported having received them within the past week. So, I’m not sure whether AOL is still sending them or not.

A stack of 21 bare CDs weigh 335 grams and stands 3cm tall. So, 660 million bare CDs would weigh 10,528,571,428.571 grams (or 23,211,526.7 pounds), and stand 94,285,714.286 cm (or 585.86 miles) tall. This doesn’t include the packaging.

I used to see the AOL CD displays at the post office and wonder if anyone ever takes them. Hasn’t everybody already had one at some point? AOL sent me a half-dozen personally, and two more showed up attached to the newspaper. I believe I may have also seen them inside the 4-pack of toilet cleaner at Costco.

I found a study indicating that as of late 2004 there were 185M Internet users in the US. AOL printed 3.5 CDs for each of them.

Web 2.0 was a schwagfest. Welcome back to the bubble! Please put the foosball table into the break room.

In order of appearance:

• Conference Sachel
• Yahoo wifi-finder
• AT&T Zigaboo.com CD
• Outcast PR Mints
• Akamai Binder Clip
• Microsoft Music Coupon
• Google Ice
• Google LED Fan

The sachel is not what I was expecting, but more useful, as it turns out, because the shoulder strap on my beloved and near-antique Adobe bag, which I’ve been carrying around since Adobe bought Aldus in 1994, broke on the second day of the conference. And it’s a whole lot flashier than the cotton sacks they used for Etech and the MySQL conference.

The wifi-finder would appear to be a smart choice for the Web 2.0 crowd, but I haven’t actually taken it out of its package yet. It’s useful, but not immediately so. I already know there’s a wifi network in my house.

Akamai’s binder clip, if that is in fact what this thing is, is a hilarious choice. Because, you know, nothing screams “high-speed, high-availability, globally distributed content delivery network” like a binder clip.

The tin of mints from Outcast PR was purely a selfish choice, I think. The Outcast reps were on a mission to sign up as many clients as possible. This meant talking to as many attendees as possible, at length, and shaking hundreds of hands. They probably considered issuing commemorative Web 2.0 Alcohol Swabs too.

Microsoft bought everyone dinner, and put a card worth $20 in free music downloads at every place. I left mine behind. I couldn’t think of $20 worth of music I was eager to get, especially not when I’d have to sell my soul to get it.

Google’s two contributions are utterly useless, but were the most talked-about items of the conference. Who ever heard of faux ice cubes? They’re not cold, but they light up. They represent an unequivocal victory of form over function, yet conference attendees left with pockets bulging (and glowing). OK, maybe that was just me.

The handheld fan is the least-effective fan I’ve ever seen. But! The blade lights up and makes cool geometric patterns as it spins. Who doesn’t need one of these? I ask you.

Read more on conference schwag from Robert Kaye.

Every parent believes that his or her child possesses some special talent.

Most all of them are wrong, of course.

But in Raphael’s case, I have photographic proof. Here he is scaling the front of the bookshelf. He can’t yet walk, but he’s a master of gravity-defying feats of strength.

I guess now we can get rid of that radioactive spider.

Momentarily abandoning rational thought, I picked up a tub of guacamole at the mini-mart at the Mineral Lodge a couple weekends ago. I didn’t give a thought to what might actually be in it until after I’d returned to my room. I mean, guacamole is avocados, right?

Umm…

In a tone suggesting “you don’t want to know what’s in this,” my wife asked, “do you want to know what’s in this?” I remember thinking, “no, not until I swallow!”

As you may know, ingredients on packaged-food labels are listed in descending order by weight, from most to least. Whatever is listed first is basically what you’re eating.

Here’s what “Dean’s Zesty Guacamole” is made of: skim milk, soybean oil, diced tomatoes, water, hydrogenated vegetable oil, and, if there’s any room left in the pot, avocado pulp. Plus literally 46 other items, including five acids (citric, lactic, sodium, ascorbic, acetic), eggs and egg yolks, a rainbow of chemical colorants (yellow 5, yellow 6, blue 1, red 40), and locust bean gum, making this product a tasty way to fulfill the US RDA for mannose residues.

With all due respect to Dean Foods, makers of fine Horizon Organic dairy products, this is not guacamole. This is barely even food.

Therefore we are pleased to present Dean Foods with our prestigious Corinthian Leather Award to celebrate this use of ridiculous, obfuscating marketing language — essentially, for putting the word “guacamole” on the label of this evil green stew. Congratulations all around! Erm, please pass the salsa.

Click for previous Corinthian Leather awards.

One thought was unmistakably on everyone’s mind as they strolled around AT&T’s reception at Web 2.0, with a premium drink in one hand and a plate full of high-concept snacks in the other, like Gazpacho Shrimp Shooters, or Dungeoness Crab Tataki on Nori Chips, or Ahi Tuna Tartare with Ginger and Lime, or Wasabi Mashed Potatoes with Sesame Grilled Salmon, Crispy Leeks, and Black Caviar (served in a martini glass), while Zigaboo Modeliste’s Aahkesstra jammed onstage and the entertainment budget had room not only for a photographer but a flash guy to follow him around.

Robert Kaye of MusicBrainz, eyeing the spread with some amazement, summed it up: “is it just me… or is the Internet boom back?”

The energy at the conference is palpable. New deals are happening every day. Products are getting better. The browser war is being un-lost. Companies are making money. Stock options are — dare I think it?? — emerging from a five-year bath.

I’m not counting my money yet, but I am eating the hell out of the five kinds of Dim Sum at the buffet. And I’m looking forward to the next 12 months.